DISCLAIMER: Juicy J is a rapper. As rappers usually do, Mr. J enjoys using the four-letter words you probably wouldn’t say in front of your mother. If you think you might be offended by these words, then you probably shouldn’t play the songs linked later on.
The drugged-out and all around turnt member of the hip-hop collective Three 6 Mafia, Juicy J, will be performing at this year’s homecoming show, a few days before the homecoming football game versus TSU. Why should you care about Juicy J, you ask? Well, you’re in for a treat. Almost as much of a treat as hitting three separate parties in one night across the South and Midwest like Juicy J has.
The first thing you need to know about Juicy J — or Jordan Houston, as it says on his birth certificate — is that he has been around for literally forever. Juicy J, DJ Paul and Lord Infamous formed Three 6 Mafia in 1991, and they were later joined by their fourth, fifth and sixth members, Crunchy Black, Koopsta Knicca and Gangsta Boo shortly thereafter. Three 6 Mafia are renowned as one of the groups to popularize Southern hip-hop and even went so far as to be the first hip-hop group to win an Oscar, also becoming the first hip-hop group to perform at the Oscars with their song, “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGmUksCmY2E
The second, and arguably most important, thing that you need to know about Juicy J is that he has never released a bad song. This might sound like a bit of a stretch, but Juicy J has an unparalleled presence when he steps behind the microphone. Much like how East Coast rapper Philadelphia Freeway’s strained and almost screeching vocals make you want to stop whatever you’re doing and immediately punch a hole through drywall whenever you hear them, Juicy J is known for rapping only with the particular cadences that make you bounce along through his verses.
Finally, you’re probably saying to yourself, “I’m ridiculously excited to go and see Juicy J in concert now! But how should I act? How do I conduct myself at what is going to be one of the most intense performances of this year?” Well, dear reader, I have come up with a foolproof plan on how to effectively turn up to Juicy J. Before I reveal the secrets of the turn-up, I would like to say you probably shouldn’t do any of these things. They’re illegal and you might die. Unless you are Juicy J, and then by all means, Mr. J, I’d be honored if you followed my guide.
How To: Turn Up Efficaciously to Juicy J
You will need:
– A pound of that loud
– Two bottles of Cîroc
– An eyedropper filled with MDMA
– A Thanksgiving turkey
Step 1: It’s actually entirely up to you whether to keep the turkey or not; you really just need the bag that the turkey comes in. Now that I think about it, though, it’d be pretty cool to just have a turkey at a Juicy J concert. People would be like, “Hey man, cool turkey. Where’d you get it?” And you’d say, “Thanks man, Kroger had some really good deals on poultry this week.”
Step 2: Fill the turkey bag about halfway with Cîroc. If we’re being honest, you can probably use a CamelBak just as easily as a turkey bag.
Step 3: Grind the entire pound of weed into a fine powder and dump that into the Cîroc you have in the turkey bag. Or in the CamelBak. It’s entirely up to you at this point.
Step 4: Take the eyedropper full of MDMA and squeeze it into the turkey bag with the Cîroc and marijuana mixture like you’re spraying lighter fluid on a campfire.
Step 5: I guess you drink it. I don’t know man. I don’t know how to do drugs.
And there you have it, folks. I’m going to call it the Poultry D-Lite™. And remember, everyone, please don’t do this. Please.
Have a fantastic Tuesday.
