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Kanye is still a jerk, Beck is super boring and Sam Smith basically won the Grammys

The Grammys were this past Sunday, and they didn’t completely suck. Given that I am required to be pretentious about music by profession, I wasn’t planning on watching the Grammys, a program devoted to all things mainstream that we hipsters abhor. But professionalism means doing what you should do on days you don’t want to, so I guess that means I’m a professional now. Hire me, please.

With the expert help of The All State‘s own Elena Spradlin, I live-tweeted the Grammys, and these nine moments made it a rollicking good time.

9. Sia’s head

Sia has always been a weirdo. She never shows her face, and this year, her solution for this was to wear a wig that looks like it belongs in the BFG’s closet. Lady Gaga wasn’t even that weird this year.

8. Jessie J and Sir Tom Jones competing with Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett for best old man/young woman chemistry

OK, maybe Lady Gaga was that weird this year. Apparently, pairing an objectively flawless young woman with a wrinkled old man is a trend, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I mean, you’ll always be successful with a new version of “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” so I can’t be mad at you for making money. But I’m just not sure why it’s interesting.

Let’s compare Jessie J’s performance of “Bang Bang” with Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj at the VMAs last August with Jessie’s performance of “Mockingbird,” – Yeah, the “…if that mockingbird don’t sing…” one – with Sir Tom Jones at Hyde Park. At the VMAs, Jessie J exploded onto the stage with the beginning chords of “Bang Bang” and razed the rest of the song with the same intensity, with Grande and Minaj following suit. At Hyde Park, Jessie J attempted to do the same, but the performance felt much less rehearsed, and Jessie seems out of place with a live band behind her. Jones didn’t do much to write home about, either.

The Sunday night performance of “You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin'” was no different. Jessie J overpowered Jones throughout their performance, making the whole thing seem a bit unnecessary. But it was funny comparing JJ and TJ to LG and TB, so I’d say it was a success.

7. Beck is super boring 

Beck won two awards for his album “Morning Phase,” and both times he walked on stage, I had to fight the urge to fall asleep. He basically read his entire album credits off both times. Save that mess for Wikipedia.

6. Taylor Swift’s dresses are getting progressively shorter

And now to Neil Patrick Harris for our Grammys Fashion Report:

Thanks, NPH.

5. Kanye West decides to sponsor up-and-coming artist Paul McCartney

Have you guys heard of this new guy Paul McCartney? He’s pretty good. I’m glad Kanye finally decided to do something nice and help a new artist out. I think McCartney might make it pretty big.

Also, Kanye managed to make an a** out of himself again at this year’s Grammys. Who would have guessed it? After Beck won the award for Album of the Year, there was a commotion near Ye and his entourage, but nothing came of it. The real gold came at the E! Grammys after show, where Kanye said, “Beck needs to respect artistry, and he should have given his award to Beyoncé.”

I don’t understand. You work with Justin Vernon – who’s had a significantly shorter career than Beck – on multiple chart-topping tracks, but Beck isn’t considered a “real artist?” I’m not even that big a fan of Beck, but you’ve got to respect the guy. I guess you’re entitled to your own opinions, even if they are dumb and contradictory.

4. Madonna is a dinosaur among minotaurs

The title pretty much says it all.

Actually no, that’s a terribly nondescriptive title.

See what had happened was, Madonna is pretty old compared to her contemporary counterparts – thus and henceforth the dinosaur joke – and she performed at the Grammys with a gaggle, or maybe it’s called a herd? I don’t know, she performed with a group of minotaurs as her backup dancers.

3. Pharrell finally found a new hat

Pharrell Williams has always drawn comparisons to Smoky the Bear and the Dirty Dan episode of Spongebob for his ludicrous hat game.

BUT NOT ANYMORE. Pharrell decided to up the ante this year with a bellboy costume that’s even better than his previous 10-gallon hat. He doesn’t care how hot his head gets. He looks cool as hell.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOyPsl0bI1g

2. Sam Smith won. A lot.

I want to hate Sam Smith for basically ripping off Tom Petty with “Stay With Me,” but I can’t. My absolute favorite quote from the Grammy Awards was when Smith won Record of the Year for “Stay with Me,” and said this:

“I want to thank the man who this record is about, who I fell in love with last year. Thank you so much for breaking my heart, ’cause you got me four Grammys.”

1. YOU CANNOT CONTEND WITH QUEEN BEY

You can always count on Beyoncé to give a killer performance. And she murdered it per the usual.

Beyoncé performed “Take my hand, precious Lord,” a classic hymn, and it was an awe-inspiring performance with subtle nods to the Michael Brown tragedy.

Watch it for your own good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcNWxlHaAMo

So yeah the Grammys went okay.

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

Sean McCully is The All State’s Assistant News Editor. Feel free to say mean things to him on Twitter.

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